Feeling loved. At the most basic level, love is a survival instinct wired to our primal core of being. All humans share a hunger to be loved, nurtured and secure in our relationships. This urge fuels our desire to create strong personal bonds. Love gives us the assurance that we are not alone in the world.
For many people, however, the need for love hides deep insecurities. When we enter an intimate relationship, we often feel emotionally vulnerable. This is especially true if we have felt let down or hurt in previous relationships. Feelings of insecurity often begin with our childhood family or unhealthy early relationships. These negative experiences can also interfere with our ability to choose good partners.
Loving someone opens you up to the possibility of getting hurt. Loving wholeheartedly means finding the courage and willingness to risk tremendous loss. Many times, we are not willing to take this risk.
So, when true love is standing in front of us, we may feel compelled to withdraw, obligated to put up a wall or even to run in the opposite direction of love, leaving a trail of dust. Instead of exposing ourselves to the risk of pain or rejection, we position ourselves to hold the power.
When insecurities, fear, obsessive thoughts and feelings of powerlessness go unchecked, your ego convinces you to take control. Your ego hates the unknown. Your ego hates taking risks. Your ego hates being vulnerable. Your ego hates being weak and powerless, so it takes charge and actually destroys what you treasure most.
If you’re not getting what you need in your relationships, therapy can help. Insecurity might be your problem. Insecurity might be the other person’s problem and not yours at all. But you cannot force your partner to fix it. All you can do is fix yourself. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, therapy can help you by determining whether to end the relationship or in finding healthier ways to meet your needs.
Obtaining the tools you need to navigate future relationships, including how to choose people capable of loving, as well as loving yourself with all your insecurities, is a goal of therapy.
Carrie
Years of therapy helped me overcome a huge group of problems. Fell in love, when I felt ready & willing and both times was kicked in the head. From here on, all life partners will be based on ” business arrangements”. Romantic love is b.s. Hot sex drives cause all sorts of difficulties too.
Love your comment =)
How does one know if it’s self protection or self sabatoge? The denial of love that is.
Probably the best way to describe it is self-protection feels good. It is empowering, whereas self-sabotage is destructive and unhealthy and done out of desperation.